Thinking Out Loud

I want to get a sense of self as I look back on 2010 and the effect the past 12 months had on my life. This year I moved into my brand-spanking, all-new, heavily-mortgaged house, turned thirty, experienced the biggest travesty in Thamizh Cinema history and battled (battling) depression. More on that later; maybe not. My life has been a series of accidents; wherein others (or normal people) plan their lives, I have been carried by the flow of life; where the wind blows and other related figures of speech. I have been leading a pretty normal life, give or take a few bouts of craziness. I have found myself asking the question (yes, THE question), "what's the point of life, anyway?" and think about it for thirty minutes and having come up with zilch, realise I have gained nothing on the thirty first minute and have a five-minute-breakdown of pointless ponderings and mindless mutterings as life seems to go on around me. I visually become distressed as the above mentioned ques...

Honoured guests, vice principal, lecturers, and dear friends. It is a great honour to address this particular gathering. Families and friends, on behalf of the graduates, I welcome you. First, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate my fellow graduates on their academic accomplishments. We have learnt worked with dedication, which we have put in to obtain a degree from PIBT. Please let me remind you, behind these awards lies the great saga of, help from the lecturers hard work and dedication Support from family and friends God's grace (for those who believe), and most of all couple of weeks of not going to the nightclubs in Northbridge I would like to recall some good and not so good memories I've have had during my life at PIBT. The lecturers - they have been remarkable and have provided us with exceptional knowledge and wisdom. They have worked beyond their powers so that we can succeed in our academic endeavours. Although we hated you because of the lack of sle...

" When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself and curse my fate " I was never a fan of Humphrey Bogart. Even though Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon are two of my favourites, Bogey never made an impression on me, until, I watched " In a Lonely Place ". Nicholas Ray and Bogey create a most memorable character in Dix Steele, a disillusioned screenwriter, whose short temper and arrogance have made him an outsider in Hollywood. He has not written a hit since before the war, but Dix refuses to work on mundane projects. His agent secures Dix a job of adapting a bestseller, but Dix invites hatcheck girl Mildred Atkinson over to his house to tell him the story (which she considers an epic). Next day, Dix is taken to the police station (by his friend and Det. Sgt. Brub Nicolai) where he finds out he is the prime suspect as Mildred was murdered during the night, af...

Explosions and cries Cries of fear Fear in the eyes… staring Staring into the unknown Unknown of a safe place Place I use to call home… no more No more war War of the men Men become ghosts… forgotten Forgotten life Life without peace Peace lost forever… terror Terror in the lives Lives that were sacrificed Sacrificed to evil… greed Greed maketh the man Man bound by illusions Illusions created by ideals… dogma Dogma blankets reasoning Reasoning for preservation Preservation of one's existence One's existence, other's destruction Destruction of trust Trust that is fake Fake tears shed Shed your humanity Humanity unidentifiable Unidentifiable truths Truths traded for lies Lies here the soul Soul in suffering Suffering for humans Humans caught in explosions…

The day was finally set. I was going to watch "Endhiran", the most expensive Indian movie ever made. The "Avatar" of India, the posters claimed. I will admit upfront, I am not a huge fan of either Shankar or Rajinikanth, but there was a glimmer of hope as it was a screenplay by the late Sujatha, a true technocrat whose books and prose I have cherished over the years (would he have coined the term "Robo Sapiens"?). As Sujatha had passed away during the pre-production of the movie, I was well aware that the screenplay would have been completed by Shankar (Madhan Karky is also credited as a co-script writer). The initial reviews had lauded the movie claiming it to be a benchmark in Indian cinema and how Indian cinema has improved by leaps and bounds and how the movie will stand up to any Hollywood production of recent years. The movie proved be a huge disappointment (except a few scenes) and it also proved the fact that without a cohesive screenplay, any movi...

I was never one for the "back-in-the-days" type of discussion. Yet I found myself talking exactly that when a friend came to visit. I find it hard to live in the past even though I often think of "what-if" scenarios; what would have happened that would have changed the course of my life. By way of a "for instance", what if I had won a million dollars in 1996? Is that usual? I believe that everyone, at one point in their lives would have thought of "what if". Is this a sad state of affairs in our lives? Do we always dwell on the fantasies to escape from realities? I do; not always but when the chips are down, but I try and solve the situation, accept the reality and move on. There was a period in my life when I could not move on. Whenever I got into a fix, I would think of all the negative situations I have faced and I would have a very heated internal conversation with the higher powers that be. I felt sorry for myself (I would validate this poin...

Click here for Part I I want to get my hands on LSD. What, no, not what you think. I meant a Liquid Soap Dispenser. Why are people so paranoid? Nowadays LSD needs LSD Why? People need LSD to dispense soap automatically because the surface of the LSD would be contaminated by germs But you would be cleaning your hands after you touch the LSD, wouldn't you? Hey man, don't look at me. I'm not the crazy one scared by bacteria So, two bacterias walk into a bar… No dude, bacteria is already plural; bacterium is singular Ok smartass, 2 bacteriums walk into a bar… You want some Smarties? NO, what's wrong with you? Bored, I guess Lost my train of thought there Better hurry up if you want to catch the last train at 2 Jeez, Louise! Ok then, you middle-class, suburban Midwest American from 50's movies/TV-shows That was below the belt! Ironic, you saying 'below the belt' Why? Last time I checked, you buried your balls in your backyard The door slams. I am left alone with ...

நண்பர் செந்தீபன் எழுதிய உரையாடலுக்கு ஒரு பின்னூட்டம்... தொலைந்தது எதுவோ தொலைத்தவர் எவ்வழியோ வாழ்க்கையை தொலைக்க முயன்று தொலைந்த நிழல் தோற்றம் உன் மெய் தொலைய உண்மை தொடக்கம் நீ தொலைந்த தோற்றம் தேடி தொடர்ச்சி, தோல்வி அல்ல தொடரும் பயணமே முடிவு

I am currently going through a "glass-half-empty" phase of my life. Nothing seems to fit, work or make sense. Today's program is brought to you by the words "whatever" and "I don't care". Let's start with "meh". When coming to terms with the stale state of mind, the cold hands of death do not seem so scary; on the contrary, they are welcome. I have had my share of downs in life, but I have never felt so miserable; not even when my father died. The feeling is to get away, not on a bloody holiday but from this life. These are the moments when I realise that life is not just about surviving; it is about living. Do I want to understand the meaning of my life? The scarier life becomes when, eventful as the journey maybe, unattainable the destination as I sit with my thoughts and I realise that, larger the silence, the longer the day. It is at moments like these, I have been told, that God will speak to you, but as tediousness has evolved i...

மனிதனைத் தேடி ஒரு பயணம் அவன் முகமறியாது முகவரி தெரியாது அவன் யார் என யாரும் கேட்டால் பதில் சொல்ல முடியாது... ஒரு முறை கண்ட சுவடு மனதில் குழம்பிய பிம்பமாய் மனிதன் யார்? மாசற்ற மனதுடன் இருப்பானா? மறுபடியும் அவனைக் காண்பேனா? வாழ்க்கைப் பயணத்தில் வழிப்போக்கன் குறுக்கிட்டு மனிதன் முகமூடி அணிந்திருப்பான் என்றான் எதற்காக என்ற கேள்விக்கு விடையில்லை ஒரு வேளை, மனிதன் தன்னை மாற்றிக்கொண்டானோ மற்றவருடன் சேர்ந்து வாழ? தனிமை விரும்பாதவன் தனித்துவம் இழந்துவிட்டான்...

Did you know Walter Matthau was referred to as a half-melted rubber bulldog? Walter who? Oh shit! You don't know Matthau? You know from Grumpy Old Men? Hey, who you calling grumpy? Oh, never mind. Seems like most conversations I have end up as a monologue. Not all of them are about Walter Matthau, but still, wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long. No, stop going off on a tangent, I meant to say, wouldn't it be nice… oh, I lost it. I'm miles away and you say 'penny for your thoughts' and I say 'why, you have cash to spare?' I don't want to sound like an arrogant bastard, but they say sometimes that truths are more arrogant than fiction. Really? Who are "they"? You know, they, them who say "No, you won't be taxed on that" Really? Yes, and then you get hit with GST, VAT and BLT! Bacon, lettuce and tomato? No. breathing living tax! So, this is a duologue? Yes, as Noel Coward said… I know! Y...

I don't know why it happened. I wanted to read a report before I got to work, so while waiting for the train, I decided to give it a try. There was a slight breeze that day, which didn't bother me, but on the contrary was quite refreshing. I was feeling a positive vibe among the people waiting for the train when my mind wandered off after reading few pages (the report was quite tedious) and suddenly, out of nowhere, a disturbing illusion took over me. For some reason, my fingers had gone numb and the papers were yanked out of my hand. I saw the papers flying out on to the road and creating a multiple-vehicle collision that cost many lives. I cannot help but watch, in dismay, as limbs and torsos were scattered all over the freeway and blood rushing forth in a never-ending stream. I started to panic and immediately put the report in the file and the file in my bag and made sure the bag was firmly closed shut. I was not sure if others noticed, but I had started to sweat profusely ...

It was one of many fine evenings. I know; I had watched the sunrise and sunset from my bed. I have felt the warm rays of the sun waking me up and the gentle evening breeze caressing my cheek to say good night. Today was like any other beautiful day. Unfortunately, most people would dismiss today as just another day. For them it would not have been special, except me. I feel sad for these people. Why would they be so miserable? It is as if they have forgotten the pure natural air and rather breathe in the fumes; as if they have forgotten how to be happy. I feel a drop of rain on my cheek; a tingling sensation. What is this? Why would people want to protest the rain with their dreary umbrellas? Why won't they feel anything anymore? Am I the only one here to feel the phenomenon that nature has to offer? I feel the cool earth embracing me. It is a warm feeling. I am happy. I lie on the cool earth and suddenly I am devoid of all worldly troubles. Have I always felt this way? I could not...

Gather around, kids. Let me tell you the story of the day I took an umbrella to work. Sounds tedious, doesn't it? Well, let me tell it anyway. Allow me my few idiosyncrasies and I will try to lead a normal life. I was watching the weather report, not because I cared for it but the reporter was too pretty and I couldn't bother to switch channels, and I heard the words 'rain' and 'tomorrow' and for some reason these two words stuck with me, so, the next day I got out of the house with my umbrella. Now, people who know me would know that I never take an umbrella even in torrential rain. I wait for the rain to stop and then go or I would just call in sick. I like rain as I think one day a big rain would come and wash the scum of all the streets. That's right, I am Travis Bickle and De Niro portrayed me before I was born, but, I do not want to get into that surreal contemplation; that's a completely different story. On the train to work, as I was about to sit...

What do you do when people you really like act like assholes? Do you tell them to their face or do you try and drop some hints? I cannot, for the life of me, hint at anything. I do not get or drop hints at all. I have told many people, if you want to say something, just say it. I now find myself in a quandary as I am unable to take my own advice. How do I tread the fine line of friendship and hostility? I probably will say it. A quick rip, blood gushes and someone will faint. Why do you need friends if you can't be straight with them? Tell it like it is and move on. Yes, words do hurt but that is a facet of life. Who said life was fair? You live, you learn, and while you are at it, say something really cheesy, so people won't forget you. Now that I have made up my mind, will someone talk to my friend and tell him he is an asshole? Why do people who are quick to judge others have no patience in finding out the truth? Has truth become a by-product of a fast-food life? I hate it w...

Surprised was I when I realised the train had arrived on time today. Many a time have I heard the frustrating automated voice of Transperth announcing the delays of buses and trains due to extreme weather conditions. The extreme weather conditions, of course, would refer to the slight drizzle which would have lasted for two minutes at the most. So what were the odds of the train arriving on time today after the heavy downpour yesterday all night long? Baffling, it is, as Yoda would say. Segueing into my thoughts as I grow tired of the clichéd feeling of people sitting inside, besides a cosy fire or electrical heater, with a hot beverage watching the rain. Why should you not go outside and enjoy the rain? Life becomes magical for a few moments when my inner cynic dies as I cherish and embrace life. Usually these magical moments do not happen; you will have to create them. But, sometimes nature provides you with the euphoria and if you are able to accept the simple pleasures, then life w...

Rarely, a Tamil movie had made me sit up straight and gaze in awe at the big screen as the story unfolded. When the actors live the characters and the technical aspects do not stand out, but, rather support the screenplay which moves with such an incredible pace as it happened in UPO, I knew I had witnessed a milestone of a movie in Tamil Cinema. And, if we, the Tamil Cinema audience (who appreciate quality movies) have mainly one man to thank for, it is none other than the one who celebrates his golden year in the film industry as we speak, Mr. Kamal Haasan. This is neither a movie review nor me singing praises on Mr. Haasan, but, rather my thoughts on the movie and a few issues that seem to crop up in some of the reviews for UPO. Kamal as a "Common Man" Some people find it hard to differentiate Kamal Haasan the movie star and Kamal Haasan the versatile actor. If you are a fan or even an avid viewer of Tamil Cinema then you should be prepared to receive whatever he throws at...

Tender love is lost only the existence of lust the animal awakens to the sounds of nature I repeat the mantra of lust as I cleanse myself - of pure love - of tenderness The fairytales of purity hidden in the lecherous utopia the longing for you stokes the carnal fire as the soul freezes within The fire, the fire in which I lose my will; the fire in which I lose my innocence The lightning struck this lovelorn fool this brutal truth I understood naivety is the first stage of love My heart; the stone that should have been sculpted by the tools of time does not exist scorched remains left behind... A note: this was my first attempt at writing, something. I would like to write a book but I always feel inexperienced or find it really difficult especially when iCynic (version 30.0) lurks in the background, smirking. Dedication and fervour and most of all time is needed. I will strive for the best and your comments would be most welcome.

I have decided to get my life back on track. There have been so much going on in my life that I had become disorganised, to a point where my life can be classified under "shabby". I had stopped catching up with friends and family, prevented myself from any worldly liaisons and I had neglected the blog that I maintained on a regular basis; I had completely shut myself off from the rest of the world. I hope to maintain this blog and I hope that I do not have another Fresh Start in a few years' time. But, I am not going to get rid of my old Blog posts. They may come in handy for one of those I-feel-like-copy-and-paste days. I know, it is a bit of a cheat, but I have heard that rules were meant to be broken. Dear Diary/Journal/Blog Entry, I know my biography so I am not going to bore you with all the details (if I write everything about me on my very first post, then I would have nothing to write about later). An interesting thought or a passing glance is meaningless, unless ...